i said id be explaining why i closed down my site last september.  i got tired trying to think about it because it was the past.  i was on the brink of a burnout and i just didnt know what to do with the world.  as i am borne of it and am in it i had to face it.  the world hated what i did and i couldnt stand it.  i wanted to get lost from this universe, jump off into outerspace and drown into oblivion, away from everything familiar.  obviously i couldnt do that. 

eventually i got my breakthrough.  it was a long, painful process but eventually God spoke and hit me hard in the head.  life wasnt so bad as i thought it was.  he loved me and so did the world.  i was assured i was doing all fine and right.  thus, i had a breakthrough in perception and outlook in life and whatever youd call it.  i forgave myself as well as those who hurt me.  healing followed and the sky got brighter.  go watch lord of the rings.  it doesnt have anything to do with what i went through but yes, i did ask myself why it had to happen to me and wishing i didnt have to deal with it.  gandalf put it so wonderfully, “so did all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide, all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”  and so ive decided.  i chose to live.