im funny i guess.  i have problems then im ok.  then i have problems then im ok.  just days ago i was ranting on how insignificant ive become and how lazy ive gotten.  swimming in my quagmire of growing pains and hangups and pressing personality and human being-ness issues i have been so much in so little time, and what i went through does not even equal to a fraction the sorrow and grief an average man suffers with.  now ive come into some light and climbing out of my backyard pool of depression, i live. 

let me share to you snippets of an email i sent my friend (actually it’s more of like the whole email): [start quote] in the last so many weeks i was losing sight of self-worth and it’s scary in a way.  i dreaded the feeling that i wasnt contributing to the majority of the human race and any day now i will be forgotten into oblivion.  im finally getting over that and a movement of sorts is slowing picking me up.  the counselling seminar has been interesting and helpful. i attended basically to learn more about human behavioral patterns than to actually be able to counsel, knowing that one cannot be an effective counsellor after only 9 saturdays, that i do not fantasize about.  of course in situations requiring my own common sense, empathy and a little of what i learned i can be of greater help.  i just remembered my family.  true i love them and i am part of them but i recognize the fact that i am not them.  i am not my father and i am not my mother.  i cannot always be this statistic in the family as one, accounted-for nephew or grandchild.  it is very taxing to one’s health, you know. 

transitional persons.  that i wish to differ from generational baggage, stereotypes, curses and destructive, unnecessary movements or patterns is a much greater hope for me as a family member and a person than just having to graduate and being financially equipped to live a so-called fruitful life.  besides one has to ask there what they mean by fruitful.  or successful.  we christians define success differently.  (i just suddenly grew apprehensive on my summer vacation this year because ill be staying in cagayan for a month and a half again and i dont know if last summer’s slacking off disease will kick in again…)  there is a movement in my life now and no doubt i take it as a leading from the Lord.  i have been praying he would… “lead” me out of whatever quagmire ive put myself into.  i see there is still much hope in my life and just by living it would justify the reason for all the blessings and graces given.  [end quote]  God bless y’all.

it is 4 minutes after my last entry and im still wide awake. perhaps i should just watch the 2nd disc of casablanca. i started watching it two days ago and havent finished it. i borrowed that disc from jm about a week ago. i still have american history x, frequency, and the whole nine yards queued up for screening. unfortunately ive been too lazy (as ive expounded in the previous entry) to watch them. at least i was productive today: excited to do our lord of the rings photo shoot i left the house this morning with all sorts of clothing and my camera paraphernalia stuffed in my gigantic duffel bag only to find out later on that my other groupmates werent prepared for it. fine, i say. anyway i finally got to finish the first book today and saw the movie for the 3rd time two days ago. now i can get on with my life!

ill resume storyboarding this book we’re trying to do, and reading up alamat’s stone the awakening to learn more of the finer stuff of philippine literature. then ill be meeting the guys to finalize details of these two huge projects and i have to detail my life for the next two months coz it’s gonna be one heck of a time. it is 3:35, maybe ill just finish casablanca now. id probably be done in an hour’s time.

later in the morning morning i have to wake up ta tems at 5:30, meanwhile ill go back to sleep and get up for a counselling seminar at 9:30. choir practice is at 1-3, which i might be missing due to the aforementioned seminar, oldies meeting at 6 to 9, then attend a debut birthday party at cravings wherein the invitation stated it starts at 6 thus id be missing out the food and games at the beginning. dang!

anyway, happy birthday socs, even if i know you wouldnt probably get to read this coz only cuzin edge surfs through my site and is aware of any changes to it. besides i didnt really announce to people ive been writing up on it in the first place. do i have to? question is, do i want to? to be or not to be, that is the question, whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows… arrows… bow… legolas… frodo… ring… lord… ayan na naman!!! stop, benjamin! i have passed the test. i will diminish and go to the west, and remain… bentoy

it is 3:22 in the morning, hope it’s all right with y’all there.  im just ranting here and speaking of rantings, check out cuzin toots’ updated website.  with a little help she was able to fix up her website in a few days.  id say that’s pretty good work.  i really dont have time to finish up things plus the guilt trip that my school work will be set aside if i start working on my site.  which is more important?  the world’s future hangs in a balance as i ponder on the best possible action to take.  as i think and think and think i hear my stomach growling.  inspired by the tao of pooh, when your tummy growls it means it’s time for you to eat.  and so i go boil some water for instant pancit canton.  as i go the world crashes into oblivion….

it is 3:09 in the morning, the clock on the computer tells me so.  i was trying to see what i could do with my webpage.  perhaps i could finish my portfolio page.  it isnt done, and im a long way off from finishing it.  perhaps i should just make another one because the first one i made kinda bored me already.  and i do think i need to add new stuff in my webpage.  a lot of the crap i put here has started to smell, i dont know.  theyre beginning to bore me.  me. myself.  its funny when you think about it, here you are posting your webpage on the net that reflects your personality, your being, probably even your essence.  and you find it boring.  something’s wrong with me.  that i know.  last year i had it great.  really great.  today im a zombie, a walking corpse.  i had a lot of things going for me last year and even the things that troubled me has ceased to be.  now that i am supposedly better off i am not.  it seems ive lost much of what kept me going last year and now, i am in want of a new drive, a new goal.  a new direction.  needless to say the greater (basic) things in life are not forgotten like having to eat or sleep, waking up and taking a bath, praying and looking up to God and seeking His counsel.  those are all givens.  what about immediate plans?  dreams?  i realized i havent any.  that explains why ive been so lazy lately.  there is nothing to push me to do my thing, to live.  to realize this is no great comfort even, im still in want of it.  and the future is dreary and bleak, i do not even see shapes in the mists of christmas future.  perhaps i should ring up jacob marley, or is that his name in the first place i cant remember.  at least ive been assured by God his will will be for me.  and so i sleep, wake up and take a bath, eat and again seek His counsel, knowing that he will grant me his vision, his goal for me.  i will not toil in vain, that i know.

yesterday was tita tems’ birthday.  we celebrated it with the usual barangay 47-l fare: spaghetti and coke.  also served that night were kfc chicken and abunda manga float.  present were toots’ guests: gigi, leo, andrew, and larry; my guest: faisal; ta tems’ friends: joven and pines, and then ej and miel’s proxy, jon.  miel couldnt be there, may exam daw.  tootsie and i realized during the evening that we never had anything to eat the whole day.  i was out doing the groceries and when i got back home i was cooking and cleaning already.  it never occurred to me that i was hungry (or wasnt, for that matter) or nalipasan nalang ko.  anyway we all had fun during dinner, faisal sat beside his professor joven and was so well-behaved.  pati si joven, pagabot sa wine, well-behaved pud kay naa iyang studyante tapad.  si andrew naginom ug orange cappuccino, muy interesante daw.  gigi arrived singing and was surprised to find the house full of guests already, na-ulaw kadali.  si leo, nag-immersion, nanghugas ug baso, si faisal iyang amo.  si ej, larry and jon murag dragon sa sala.  topic of the night was still lord of the rings.  nuff said.

at last my org in fine arts is on its way to becoming a real org.  who would have thought getting organized and electing officers only at the 2nd half of the last semester of the year?  anyway, im just happy we’re now with elected people we can “lean on” (more like point our fingers at when things go wrong).  but really, dont get me wrong the fact that most of the people i voted for and who i think would do great in those offices were elected.  my org in fine arts is CAM, camera as art movement.  we basically push to get cinema recognized as an major artform, however you define what art is.  one of our regular activities is screening obscure films like dancer in the dark, cinema paradiso, and buster keaton movies.  the org is ironing out plans to screen the 5-hour opus, batang westside, in the up film center in february.  our adviser was involved in the making of the film and so we kinda had that edge on getting the film for screening.  of course dili nalang mi gasalig ana busa trabaho pa pud mi etc.  another big activity we’re trying to put up is the annual in your eye film festival, showcasing indie videos (mostly student work).  that would be in march or something.

i just resurrected my site tonight.  thought id do something for a change.  the irony there’s i havent changed a thing yet.  my life i think was crap a few months back until i made peace with God’s graces and now im living out his will.  i was great last december but now i suddenly feel crappy again.  i have to bring this up to him up there and ask him to take his hammer and do some knocking on my cranium to wake me up. 

anyway for some news bits the up fine arts won all major awards (except 1) including over-all best lantern in last year’s lantern parade.  our class in fine arts also won best class (they say we did) mainly because our classmates did really great wasp and moth lanterns.  my group did crappy work (we did ladybugs) but not that im sourgraping or anything it’s just fact y’know. 

another news tidbit my sister recently got married to clapton asuncion last december 20.  the ceremony was pretty intimate (family only) and really personal (even the pastor was crying).  really sweet you’d have to be there to believe it.  congrats mati and clap.  i do pray you’d be guided always by the big guy up there who definitely loves you both and has already blessed you with so much.  im happy to have clap in the family and really blessed to see you both now together.  love ya both!