musings

im funny i guess.  i have problems then im ok.  then i have problems then im ok.  just days ago i was ranting on how insignificant ive become and how lazy ive gotten.  swimming in my quagmire of growing pains and hangups and pressing personality and human being-ness issues i have been so much in so little time, and what i went through does not even equal to a fraction the sorrow and grief an average man suffers with.  now ive come into some light and climbing out of my backyard pool of depression, i live. 

let me share to you snippets of an email i sent my friend (actually it’s more of like the whole email): [start quote] in the last so many weeks i was losing sight of self-worth and it’s scary in a way.  i dreaded the feeling that i wasnt contributing to the majority of the human race and any day now i will be forgotten into oblivion.  im finally getting over that and a movement of sorts is slowing picking me up.  the counselling seminar has been interesting and helpful. i attended basically to learn more about human behavioral patterns than to actually be able to counsel, knowing that one cannot be an effective counsellor after only 9 saturdays, that i do not fantasize about.  of course in situations requiring my own common sense, empathy and a little of what i learned i can be of greater help.  i just remembered my family.  true i love them and i am part of them but i recognize the fact that i am not them.  i am not my father and i am not my mother.  i cannot always be this statistic in the family as one, accounted-for nephew or grandchild.  it is very taxing to one’s health, you know. 

transitional persons.  that i wish to differ from generational baggage, stereotypes, curses and destructive, unnecessary movements or patterns is a much greater hope for me as a family member and a person than just having to graduate and being financially equipped to live a so-called fruitful life.  besides one has to ask there what they mean by fruitful.  or successful.  we christians define success differently.  (i just suddenly grew apprehensive on my summer vacation this year because ill be staying in cagayan for a month and a half again and i dont know if last summer’s slacking off disease will kick in again…)  there is a movement in my life now and no doubt i take it as a leading from the Lord.  i have been praying he would… “lead” me out of whatever quagmire ive put myself into.  i see there is still much hope in my life and just by living it would justify the reason for all the blessings and graces given.  [end quote]  God bless y’all.

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