Category Archives: musings

musings

im nowhere in sight

ive been a bit lost since september 2005. i dont know where im going, dont know where ive been. i wanna pick up the pieces of this life-puzzle but im back to square ten where i sift through debris and ash and there’s just too much wind. im turning to stone and i woke up this morning not knowing what the hell im doing with my life. to write would help me organize my past but no time to write. there are always excuses, it’s too hot, the pen isn’t black, im having writers’ block, it’s too hot, the paper’s not homey, i’ve no computer, it’s day again.

i want to break free.

dear sir dante, i had fun working with you but i just need to do something else. im leaving the company. perhaps in the future i will find myself here working with you again but i just have to fly off. im resigning effective may 31. im grateful for all ive learned from you and the 2 years we’ve worked on projects and films, 2 years we worked on dreams and visions. im grateful, indeed. many thanks!

ben

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musings

calachuchis on sheridan avenue

traveling through edsa this afternoon i chanced upon the stereo surround chaos the busy highway produces. cruising down boni avenue on a p25 tricycle ride, going up the mrt overpass, taking the ordinary bus through crossing, the ruckus was more than enough to give anybody a headache. and the pollution stuck in the air pocket on the shaw intersection. i hated that. really hated going through there, i feel like the suffocating air gets physical, literal, its grey smoggy arms wrapped around my neck wringing me closer to death.

walking on sheridan avenue i saw calachuchi trees lining the street, its blooms falling on every gust of traffic air. one flower fell on the path before me. i looked at it but continued walking. better the calachuchi run over by goodyear than me.

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musings

cuzin tootsie and katipunan

dear cuzin tootsie,

yes i miss you too and our time here in katipunan. it, indeed, has been quite some time since you last walked down the avenue. katipunan has become home to us, our comfort living space extending beyond the 47L door. from the kanto to shoppersville, we’ve never gotten uneasy or have felt danger in this place. the crisp night air and the neon lit pavement creates a certain spell on passersby. walking in your house clothes to mcdonald’s or the bank justifies calling it your own.

you’d only have to cross the street to get to dance rehearsals while i take the jeep to choir practice. back in our time there was such a thing as a pedestrian walk across gate 3. what to eat was always a challenge, sisig at ken afford (can’t afford), chicken at bacolod, adobo at box o’ rice, chickenjoy, bigmac, mocha frap, bunch o’ lunch with extra basket of mojos. astig!

more for you: alpombra ni aling charing, mongolian eat-all-you-can at sweet inspiration, your annoying security guard over at chicken bacolod (he’s still there). no more mr. quickly nor goodah, instead you get stuffed crust pan pizzas where that stood once upon a time. gayuma, after being burned down, has moved to a new location near mcdonald’s. you missed seven-eleven and yellow cab by a few years, not that it’s important, considering theyre american franchises anyway.

wish you were here. come and visit us sometime. now na!
love,
kuya bin

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musings

malls and rain

yesterday it rained hard and i had to protect my pretty bald head from getting drizzled on. i waited for the sky to clear up a little before i braved the streets of mandaluyong. was stuck in rain and traffic for more than what i was willing to wait for. texted Tony i’d be late but couldnt get a signal. it figures. there’s no SUN (network) during rainy days! and yet, in the climate-controlled, daylight fluorescent lit halls of megamall, the SUN was shining.

i finally made it to megamall walking from the underworld of the shaw station through the gleaming facade of shangrila and down the tin-roofed walkway of megamall’s parking lot into the great belly of the beast itself. a lot of people took to shelter there and though nobody was buying anything, there remains the hope that they will. thus the evil cycle of capitalism unceasingly rolls.

and so i rant again. mindlessly, i went on. the power of the sun could keep me on unlimited calls and texts but the network’s overloaded with other calls so i couldnt get through. texting was the way to go. and in the microcosm society of megamall i still had a bit of power.

it used to be that society was ruled by the government and the church. nowadays if you were to look for church and state pieced together in one accord, you’ll find your little society in the boxed walls of megamall. i need to get an insurance. invest. get a loan. have to eat. get bread. buy school supplies. meet my people. go to church. get updated on what’s new. take a crap. got milk?

life is a commodity. everything for grabs. SALE. buy one take one. use your advantage card to avail of prizes and surprises. Life at 10% off. your soul at half the price. everything in its place. at the mall.

we got it all for you.

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musings

A lot of people from different backgrounds converge in Jollibee. Talk about the universality of food, this one takes the cake I guess. Where the masses dine with the well-off. Big men and small Asian guys, old women and their beautiful apos. Tatay with his seven children. And the childless couple sharing an ice craze order.

Started with burger today. TLC. Tomato lettuce and cheese yum burger. Always had that home-cooked torta taste to it, no wonder pinoys go gaga over Jollibee burgers. The salad was another thing. Not normally found in the pinoy table but health-conscious people have been adding it to their diets. Pair it with Asian dressing and it’s a blast.

This is home.

Bought a pad of drawing paper. Hopefully I’ll get to sketching again. Miss doodling but now I gotta have reason for it. Haven’t done real traditional art pieces. I’d love to explore installation art. It’s kinetic, physical and involves time and space. Dynamic art. Every minute counts in a 3d piece. Sometimes the artwork changes in a heartbeat.

I’m having the birthday blues right now. Suddenly I’m feeling really old. That’s when you grow lonely and alone. Even crowds can’t dispel the feeling; you stand isolated amidst the throng of busy shoppers and Jollibee patrons. Called cousin a while back. It has become more important to me to connect to family now than ever. Somehow I feel it will justify me. Define me. Prove my existence is not a fluke. I think therefore I’m supposed to be. No longer.

The old man seated across me has left. He had Chickenjoy and a burger at the same time. The old lady before him had spaghetti and rice. Carbo plus carbo. No wonder she could kick. She got loads of excess Jollibee energy.

The high school basketball team on the other table is feasting on both regular Jollibee fare and gonuts donuts. Shouldn’t they be charged of corkage?

Perhaps I should run now. I can hang out in PowerBooks while waiting for the screening of masahista to start. It gets idle. And I’m restless again. The night falls.

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musings

Frustrating going round fully-booked and not having money to buy anything. Or time to read any of the books in the first place. I like the sight of books. All these writers and published material and no one to read them unless you’re literary rock stars like Neil Gaiman, Gabriel Garcia Marquez or even (shudder*) popcorn writer John Grisham. Even the fan boys of comic geek Dom have idols. Adam West. Scott Lobdell. Chris Claremont. Gerry Alanguilan.

To be a master of words. Poetry in visuals. Images in letters. The imagination can be richer than what the eyes can see or words can express. What am I saying?

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musings

my birthday approaches !

and it’s gonna be another year for me. Pan! im not ready to take another birthyear. im so much more comfortable with just being 25. in a week’s time, im gonna be turning 25 again. how many times have i done that?

the rain has started to seep through the kitchen floor. the last time it flooded inside the house my old leather shoes got soaked and tita tems had to dry it out behind the ice box. i put out the mop and left it by the door to catch the water. so far the floodwater is about 3 inches high from above the ground.

ive been trying to take it slow the past few days. it helps keep my sanity. last night some friends invited me to join them at saguijo’s. although i had work the next day i decided to join in the fun. the “i-love-you” store in the 2nd floor is still decked with curious items and fascinating finds. the dressing room still bears my mark. last valentines day i penned “Love is another four-letter word.” the other word starts with an f.

i miss sitting with friends in a bar and nursing a draft. or a horse for that matter. ive let go of drinking much and a bottle is fine with me. i prefer conversation of visions and grand ambition, it gets the blood boiling. mundane matters is fine as long as it is not laced with regrets. i have my issues to deal with, thank you.

Pan! j.m. barrie wrote about a boy who never grew up. one day the boy did. and he became a lawyer. his past caught up with him and he had to learn to fly again. what about the rest of us who is still trying to shake off the pixie dust yet are still enjoying the trips to neverland?

im gonna be 25 years again next week. wanna take a trip? to that first star to the right and straight up til morning.

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musings

getting restless yet again

ill take a bath then will head out so i dont get jitters here at home wanting to be creative. ill try to paint something or write something and then ill let you know. ill draw something and design something, make something.

artists are restless when they get inspired to do something. it’s been awhile since i got inspired to do anything out of whimsy. cheers to life, and other mysteries.

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movies, musings

john williams and the galaxy

one of the few people i know who have traveled far into the cold depths of the galaxy is john williams. it just explains why he has rendered such beautiful and classic musical scores for sci-fi films like star wars, superman and e.t.

i scrambled around the metropolis to buy the album soundtrack of episode 3 coz i thought that was the best. not only did the movie showcase key themes from past star wars films (duel of the fates, across the stars–love them of anakin and padme, imperial march, luke and leia’s theme, yoda’s theme, etc) the album also includes a dvd insert that features music videos of these themes heheheh

cool advance birthday gift for myself. hehehe

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filmmaking, movies, musings

getting excited of going back to roots

jhem and i had been talking about doing his full length video again, “blangko,” a horror-comedy. independent films are fun especially if youre doing it with friends. i miss the feel of indie productions where you chip in instead of getting paid, and the fact that your equipment is low standard because you cant afford the big keg lights. yet the film output is great because the concept has always that.

in the meantime we slave over the production of “agua de mayo” which is taking the toll on our health and our psychological state of minds. ive been plagued by wants to run off the boondocks of mindanao or the depths of the ocean. be a hermit up in the hills or bum around the family house in cagayan. nothing wrong wih the production, it’s just getting so stressful for me.

hay naku, buhay. in the meantime, here’s a pic of me with liza lorena. she is one of a kind, makulit, exremely thoughtful and very kind. we got to eat at her house while checking out her costumes. she sends forwarded messages and quotes once in a while.

ok, another pic. with charlene who’s remained beautiful and statuesque. during the shoot of lactacyd tvc and print-ads with aga muhlach (printad photographer raymond isaac)

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